How to Not Be a Douchebag Behind the Wheel

Asshole Driver in action

I have road rage and I'm pretty sure I can't be cured. In all seriousness, where the hell do people learn to drive? Because when you know the rules of the road, it's not difficult.  But still, a good 77% of drivers out there are effing clueless when it comes to driving skills. I have a theory that they are all basically sucky human beings in their free time but Tyler seems to think that people turn in to a different version of themselves behind the wheel (read: people turn in to assholes). 

So if you're one of the people who suffer from a case of Asshole Driver or, you're looking for a way to politely tell someone they can't drive, here is my list of How to Not Be a Douchebag Behind the Wheel. Follow these and you will make the world a happier place. Or least of all, you'll make me happy--your resident crazy, hormonal pregnant lady.

1. Use your blinker. Driving school 101. It will let me know that you are, in fact, turning right into the parking lot which will in turn, allow me to pull out and not have to wait 72 more minutes for traffic to clear. Kind of like that whole cause/effect thing we learned in 4th grade. Plus, I'd do it for you.


2. Do not speed up when we get to the passing lanes. I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. I have been following your ass going 30 in a 65 for 82 miles and as soon as we hit the passing lanes you decide to go 90. Thank you, douchebag.

3. Do not cheat. This one is for anyone who has ever sat in traffic. Picture it. There is a long line of cars trying to get somewhere. Traffic is slow, obviously we all want to go home. Suddenly there's another lane but it doesn't take you quite where you want to go--so the good person waits in the long line of traffic--patiently. The Asshole Driver will use this lane to get as close as possible to the front of the line of traffic and squeeze his or her way in, therefore screwing the rest of us nice, polite, patient drivers.

4. Refrain from being either the Old Lady Driver or the Psychotic Idiot Driver. There is no place for either on the road. Old Lady Driver doesn't necessarily mean you're old but a lot of the time...it rings true. This driver is a douchebag for the mere fact that they are going 15 under the speed limit--slow people cause accidents too, ya know! The Psychotic Idiot Driver has no regard for my life and weaves in and out of traffic like a maniac pushing his or her '94 Honda to it's max speed of 80...in a 35 zone.

5. Get off your damn cell phone. It's against the law for a reason. {Even if it's not against the law in your state, it's still straight up dumb to do it} Don't text. Don't talk. GET OFF OF IT. It can wait. Holding your phone while it's on speaker does not count for "hands free" driving. Plus, you know that shit costs $310 now if you get a ticket? USE YOUR BRAIN.

6. The horn is for emergencies only. Am I the only one who jumps when they hear a car horn? Let me give you some examples. It is acceptable to use a car horn when... a car is merging in to your lane and they don't see you--honk to avoid an accident. It is unacceptable to use a car horn... when you're sitting in traffic and there is obviously not a damn thing the car in front of you can do. Don't do it, you'll just piss people off.

7. Remember shit. {alternate title: things that should go unsaid} Just be a good human. Be courteous, be alert, be knowledgeable. The rest of us will be very thankful.

Follow these rules and you will help me to cure my road rage and it will be very much appreciated. What is your advice for all the Asshole Drivers out there...please share!